Those who know me will know that, as well as a lifelong love of literature and creativity, I also have a longstanding fascination with self-development. I’m intrigued by self-esteem and self-compassion. How we sabotage ourselves. How we go off path, and how we find our way back. Why we are here and whether there’s a purpose and, overall, how to best live a true, authentic life. You know, all that light-hearted stuff. (I’m a great laugh at parties.)
Trying to write a book, pitching out, getting published and what comes after – all of that is a wonderful boot camp for anyone who wants to test how healthy their self-esteem is. Another way of putting that is that writing is wonderful and also, it will pound your spirits to dust if you are not careful.
And at this time of year, our personal and professional goals get put under the microscope as we get dragged into that annual appraisal of what was achieved and how we’re doing. While it’s great to take stock of what we’ve done, many of us will be prone to looking at what didn’t happen, what we lack. There might be a critical voice in the head saying: ‘Hmmm, not so great. But you’ll do better next year.’
I am an ambitious person and I enjoy achieving. But I am also a person who is determined to value myself as I am now. Not conditionally upon me achieving XYZ. This can be a tricky balancing act and I believe this will always be a work in progress. But it fascinates me, how to have both goals and peace. How does that work?
There’s a book I love, with a title and central idea that I will often repeat to myself when my critical voice gets loud. It’s by Cheri Huber, and the title is, “There’s nothing wrong with you.” (NB. Some people hate this book because it’s written in childish font and feels simplistic. Each to their own. To my mind, the simplest ideas need repeating ad infinitum because as soon as we’ve grasped them, we lose them again.)
Huber argues that our difficulties in life don’t come from the fact that there are things about ourselves that we need to fix, but that we are constantly trying to fix ourselves and, in the process, we are often just getting further away from the truth and our true selves.
How does this apply to writing? Very often, both published and unpublished writers are (quite naturally) trying to get away from where and who they are, and over to where and who they think they should be. If you haven’t finished (or even started) your novel, then you might berate yourself for being a person who can’t achieve their lifelong dream. If you have finished your novel, but you haven’t got an agent, then you might be telling yourself that you will be happier and just all round a more successful and impressive person when you have an agent and, on some level, you feel are deficient if you haven’t got one. If you’ve got an agent, but no book deal then you’re not where you want to be, and you might feel a lack of okayness until you reach that goal. If you’ve got a book deal but then your sales aren’t great then…well, you get the picture.
The general message here is that you are not okay right now, but you believe you’ll feel different, better, more okay, more successful, more accomplished, more together, more YOU when you have changed these things about yourself and/or your situation.
But the truth is, if you don’t feel all those things now, you’ll probably never feel them.
I know. It’s a bitch. Sorry about that.
The good news is all of this is under your control. You are already a worthwhile, valuable person no matter how many books you have or haven’t written, no matter what stage of the game you are at. You are enough, exactly as you are.
More, I would argue that you are always at the point that is right for you. So struggling against where you are, and who you are, is pretty fruitless, since everything happens in its right time and for your best good. You might find it hard to believe that, but I believe it enough for the both of us so don’t worry about it.
So, today, remind yourself, “there’s nothing wrong with me.” Keep an ear out for that negative voice that whispers in your ear – “oh, you haven’t done this, you didn’t do that, you need to have this, you shouldn’t have done that.”
Call bullshit on that poison.
You are a unique, wonderful, creative human exactly as you are, right now. You are exactly where you are supposed to be.
That is enough.
You are enough.